I sit here wondering how in the world to begin. I’ve put off writing this for nearly four weeks. I know right away wasn’t the right time. I know there is a time of grieving. I also know that this is something I’m never going to be completely over. Now, I’m wondering how much to share.
How much is too much? Are people tired of hearing about it, tire of reading about it? Who is going to judge me? Am I revealing too much about myself? Have I been too transparent?
I like to live my life as open as I can. I want to be real. I want to be honest. I want people to see the ugly as well as the beautiful. How can people really see the fullness of God and how he’s worked in my life if I don’t tell them everything?
The truth is my story is not just my own anymore. I have a husband that I love and care for deeply. My story has become our story. It’s not just my life that gets impacted by how much I share. His does as well. The conclusion I came to is that I will share what I can. I will hold back the things that are not my own.
This process has been ugly. It’s definitely not been perfect. I wish I could present to you a narrative of my doing everything exactly the way that I was supposed to, but that’s not the truth. I definitely have not handled everything the way that I should. I have said hurtful things. I have had hurtful thoughts. I have yelled at my husband. I have yelled at the Lord. I allowed myself to get to a dark place that I haven’t been in a long, long time. All because of one question…
Why us? Why our baby? Why did we get such a short amount of time? Why do I have to deal something so tragic yet again?
Why couldn’t You just fix whatever was wrong? Why did You have to take her away?
I fully believe God wants us to question Him. That’s how we’re able to grow. That’s how we’re able to know Him better. I believe it’s healthy to be angry with Him from time to time. He’s a big God. He can handle anything we are going to throw at Him. The moment it becomes unhealthy is the moment you decide to stay there. That is something I refuse to do.
So much of my life has been spent focusing on the “what-ifs” and “whys” of my life. I’ll never completely understand exactly why I’ve been dealt the hand that I have. I have no idea why I’ve gone through some of the things that I have. I do know that through this experience, through my life, I have seen the overwhelming power of God in ways I don’t know I would have experienced otherwise.
I learned young that my strength is not my own. The only way I’ve ever been able to make it through is to rely on Him completely and totally. I have had to. I have had no other choice.
I believe every person has a purpose. Whether they breathe air or not, their life matters. What purpose did our sweet Adelaide have?
She put us in check. She caused us to reevaluate our priorities. She reminded us what’s important. She caused us to come together in a whole new way. She reminded us that our plans are temporary and our purpose is to seek the Lord and help expand His kingdom.
She made us parents.
We now have an even better glimpse of the unconditional love our Father has for us. It blows my mind that the unconditional love we have for our sweet girl is just a small fraction of what He has for us.
We now understand the pain of losing a child. I become overwhelmed when I think about the pain He must have felt seeing His Only Son hanging on the cross. I know that my experience is nowhere near the same, but His sacrifice is something I will never take for granted again.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I do know that it’s going to be okay. I do know that I love my husband more today than the day we got married. I do know that I have a loving and merciful God who gives me strength and will sustain me. I do know that in this week we focus on thankfulness and blessings, I have so much to be thankful for and I am immensely blessed.
If you or someone you know is dealing with pregnancy loss or child loss here are some resources:
If you or someone you know is dealing with depression or suicidal thoughts please do not hesitate to use these resources:
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love them. James 1:12