As I listen to the sounds of my wonderful husband making dinner, I feel the Lord whispering to me to write this. I tried to fight Him a little bit.
It’s been five months since I’ve posted anything.
Who wants to hear what I have to say?
How long has it been since I really sat down with the intention to write?
My thoughts are those of doubt. Then, I let Him take over.
You say you want to share the good work that I am doing.
Are you or aren’t you?
One of the hardest conversations I have ever had with William happened a few weeks after we were “officially” a couple. It’s not something I like to talk about. It’s not a pleasant subject. I knew that I had to tell him before things got too serious. He had to know the burden I carried with me. He needed to be let in on the battle that I fought on a daily basis. He needed to know that the children we have one day might not be biologically our own.
Around the age of seventeen, I was told there was a possibility that I would never be able to have children. There were a lot of tests run trying to pinpoint exactly what was wrong with me, and surgeries that were spoken about that never happened. (I had an amazing doctor who didn’t want to put me at risk of losing the ability of bearing children if there was any possibility at all.) My doctors never gave me a definitive diagnosis. They just told me what it wasn’t.
Back to the hard conversation…
I will never forget the couch outside of Macy’s at the Battlefield Mall. It was a place of honesty, truth, and rawness. It was a hard moment, but it was a beautiful moment. I will never, ever forget the words my William said to me.
Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t. That’s not for us to decide. That’s God decision. He’s going to do whatever He wants. If we have biological kids, great. If we don’t, they’ll still be ours. It doesn’t matter.
That, my friends, is the moment I fell positively in love. I knew he was the one for whom God had asked me to wait.
Now, we are expecting a baby.
Just being able to write those words brings me to tears. It may be the hormones, but I choose to believe it’s because I never expected to be able to write them.
The Lord is continuously reminding us that this baby is not our own. That he or she belongs to Him. That He is in completely control over her well-being. We have no part to play on deciding whether or not she makes it to this earth. That we need to stop worrying, stop living in fear, and stop doubting the promise that He has given us. That it was time to share this miracle that’s growing inside of me, to show that His will is greater than our own, and to ultimately show people His providence.
This new life may be coming ahead of when we thought it should. Ultimately, it wasn’t up to us. We are so thankful and so beyond blessed to be chosen as this little baby’s parents.