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Showing posts from 2014

Confession.

I haven't felt especially grateful over this past month. 

I suppose that is why I haven't really written anything over the past several weeks. I want to be the person who finds the good in everything, but here lately that hasn't been happening. 

I have allowed myself to be consumed by my circumstances. I have wanted to rise above. I have wanted to see the light in the situation, but I allowed myself to go to a place of defeat.

I have walked around the past few weeks with a fake smile plastered on my face. I've put on an act. I was a little meaner and my humor was a little more pointed. I went through the motions and said all the right things.

I felt like I was finally to the point where I wasn't waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I felt uncomfortable feeling that happy and secure. Then, I felt like life was showing me exactly why I shouldn't.

Yesterday, it all came to a head. After two church services that were exactly what I needed, I was driving home w…

Biological.

An open letter to the one who could have had it all but chose differently.I have sat down to write this more times than I can count. It is like I have had the words swirling around inside my soul, and now it is time for them to find their way out.
There are so many things I wish I could say. There are things I want to be careful about; those things I know could be taken the wrong way. I do not want to seem like I am blaming you for everything. That is not my intention. I want you to know exactly the influence you have had over my life.
You have had a huge influence no matter how I much I do not want to admit it.
I like to make you out like this bad guy. I put you in this box of being a terrible person because it is easier for me to then justify the bad things you have done. If you are consumed by darkness, how can you make good decisions?
Truthfully, I do not think you are consumed by darkness. I think you run from light because it is easier.
It is easier to blame the world than to take re…

Image.

October (25 things I want to do before 25)

October and I have an interesting relationship...
Sometimes we love each other.... Sometimes we hate each other.
I love fall. 
I love the changing of the leaves. I love pumpkin, oversized sweaters, scarves, boots, bonfires, and football. I even love how the things of summer are passing away.
To me, October has always meant new things are on the horizon.
I'm okay with that as long the new things are primarily abstract... I don't do so well if they aren't.
This October brings to mind that in 7 months I'll finally be graduating from college. It also brings to mind that 25 is only 6 months away. I see two new phases of life on the horizon, and I am flipping out.
Okay so maybe I'm not flipping out.... But I'm definitely doing something.
How do I expel all this energy that is causing the anxiety?
My old way of dealing with things is getting a new tattoo or checking out for a few days. In the real world where you have to be responsible, those can't be the go-to responses.
So wh…

Silver Linings...

I have had a couple of incidents over the past week that have caused me to reflect on some things. 

I know I say that a lot, but I really like to take time to examine things when I get several reminders in  a row.
It started with a shoulder injury.
Really, this shouldn't be that big of a deal. 
You go to the ER, get some x-rays, get your pain meds, and follow the doctors orders. 
There was a hitch for me.
Pain meds.
With my history, I never get them filled when I get injured. I think I did once and it was only the extra-strong ibuprofen to take the edge off. This time around I decided to do something different. I had to be able to work, and the pain was so bad that I needed something more than just a Motrin to make it through work and class.
I will say that I was closely monitored. I kept a strict schedule and told someone how much and when I was taking them every time.
I never once abused or was even tempted to abuse them. 
I did realize I was becoming dependent on them to sleep so I stopp…